I think its all so unfair, but judgement is made...

how I can't pull a fit or just shove things into your head. How I am trying so hard to talk but no one seems to listen. How I just can't seem to get my story across, that they've already made their judgement and I am just too late to explain my case...
I wish you guys would sit down and listen to me and just try to put yourself into my shoes. Times how you guys say I chose him over you guys, but then is that really the case? How many times do I ahve to do it, how many times do I have to hurt, how many times do I have to "Take one for the team" and stab TWO peoples in the heart before you guys will be satisfied? Oh, why don't you guys just tell me... What do I have to do before you guys will be happy & smiling & just straight up satisfied? How many times do I have to care for others, before I care for myself?
I am sorry, I have to say, I want to be selfish this one time. I really want to just tell you guys everything, but let me say I am not good with my words.... I try to just burst out but I always end up stuck on something and then realize later on that I am not even telling a whole lot. I feel so wronged.. But who cares right? I hope you guys do.... But no, apparently my two most closest girls have already made their judgement and is so ignorant to change or listen in for once. I am sorry, but now IM the one being disapointed. Because the way you guys are acting.... Was this what I "take one for the team" so many times for? Why aren't they happy for me, if they say they love & care for me so much? Cause you know what? I know HE tried his best to be happy for me, & all of you guys, when I gave him up for you guys. So now, when its the other way around, you guys can't do that? I'm sorry, but don't that explain the situation here? At many situations, he's shown me that he cares for me, a whole lot.... & course, you guys can bring back all the hurt he brought me. But he did bring me a whole lot of happiness. & So did you guys. But when I chose YOU GUYS over HIM. He didn't act this way. But you guys are.... so what does that say about this whole decision?


I hope you guys would stop taking it that I chose him over you guys. I just wanted a chance for ME to be happy, instead of  "do it for the crew". I wanted to be selfish, FOR ONCE. I didn't choose him over you guys.... How many more times do I have to say that? Why do you guys have to be so hardheaded and stick with the first thing that pops in your head? Its like, you guys took that small seed in; the first thought of me going easy on him and hard on you guys. How I get so mad at you guys but let him off easy. I can still stand here and swear that I do NOT. To be honest, I was really only hard on AMY. I have to admit, if I ever was... But I sure know I didn't do it to wendu or besit... & WHy? I don't know. Maybe because she was my bestfriend... if htat even makes sense. & I know thats unfair. But then I know for a fact I did NOT favor him.... But yes, that was the seed you guys took, and now overtime it just grew into this massive thing. Can't you guys jsut take a step back and realize that this is real stupid? Our friendship, over THIS? Haven't you guys ever looked back into old friendships and think "wow. It was something good... But we fucked up. It didn't have to be that way.... But we fucked up, and no one ever bothered to value it enough to fix it". Well Shit, I sure did. Many times, and thats why I've learned to try my best to fix things & not stupid shit get to me easily. Cause I know I will look back and say it wasn't worth it. The last person this happened was Joana, I'm sure you guys know all about her. & I sure do regret it in many ways, looking back knowing it didn't ahve to be this way.... & I am so done with small kiddy childsplay like that. Can't we value our friendship more than this?
One thing I know, its a lot easier to love than to hate. Cause both takes energy, but only Love can provide you with a nice climb and a wonderful outcome.