SO IT IS ALMOST FEBRAURYYY

&& I did my calculations for how much I spent
..........




$245.91 to be exact -.- whos counting right? NOT THE ONE WHOS BEEN KEEPING ALL HER RECEIPTS. lol oh well see thats a resolution for this year. I mean, this is not a lot if I went shopping and shopping and shopping for clothes and all you know? WTF AM I TALKING ABOUT?! THIS IS OVER MY BUDGET! HOW THE HELL DID I COME UP WITH THIS KINDA MONEY!?....
Well see no. lemme tell you. I actually spent $101.56, my own money. The rest was either foodstamp or peoples bought me stuff.

&& oh this is just based on all the receipts I collected, think about the ones I HAVNT?!
Oh lemme add $10more dollar, the 10 that I accidentally donated to Haiti LOL. && the 4 I spent today on my GO GREEN(BLACK) waterbottle



-.-'
ohman.
I need to watch myself.


(I will be keeping a sidebar section for my monthly spendings on my da-ily blog :D est2010.blogspot.com)



eeeh my tummy feels crappy today.

It all ends where it begins

The first time I had the same title for both my blogs ;) hehe.

I realized way too much today,

Yes... It ends where it all begins :)

I don't know what I have for you but

you got me wanting to do better, to impress you, to make you proud.
Hehe you are my inspiration :)


I have so much I want to tell you about, to just blab blab blab! But I don't know where to begin... Or if its even appropriate. Hah. I don't know. But right now you are the only one that can make my heart smile.

I love that feeling when blood rush to your face & makes you turn all red

oh wait. its called blushing ;3
hunhunn.


heheh I love your smile.
Hug a cutie day!!

ohlalaa ~

Ohkay So like I mentioned in a blog yesterday, I have these artistic deep moments that are so rare for me! Well it is maybe once every year or so, haha. So I treasure them deeply &&. Idkay what else to say! I am not very good with words, so you'll see :)

 I made this one last year in 2009 one night when I was really bored. It was in back of the letter from Chavez saying I got into cheerleading LOL. I remember I was really happy that day :) hehe. Anyways let me explain this picture. There is a tree in the middle, on top of a globe thing that represents the earth. The tree is dry & leaf-less, go figure... The earth is a ying-yang. The light portrays of a moon & a maze with the words Start & Finish. This maze represents the struggle and pursuit of happyness. In the dark side there is a sun and the word LOVE. This word LOVE extends beyond the boundaries of darkness, having E ending up in the light shows that there is going to be dark times, but it will all end up ohkay. There is a bunch of random patterns on the top corner of this piece representing the fog and confusion and all the unnecessary worries that covers us, etc.

2010. This well... I havn't tagged in awhile. A long awhile actually. This showed SAN FRANCISCO! booyaa :) I loved the golden gate bridge part. && the hand! That was totally random && it looks NICE. heheh ;3 This spelled out Carla, which is my French Penpal's name :D it was originally made for her cept I sent her the COPY of it instead of the original one SUCH AN ASS. haha. I liked it, like I actually went and searched stuff about San Francisco up and did this and all, you know? I felt accomplished. Muahahah.

&& these? I don't need to know if you don't like it. I would love to know what I am doing wrong but dam don't be a bitch mmkay? It DOES get to me like hell. Thankyouverymuch :D

Fake.

For a lot of reasons, I am feeling like bullcrap right now. I can't believe you would say such things though. One of these days you will find that you are running away from the ones who actually care for you, for ones you barely met. It rips my heart out that you would do and say such things, because I trusted you and I loved you with all my heart and I have always stood by you... But I guess I didn't stand by you enough to know what was really going on. Do you know that one quote "Don't leave the one that loves you, for the one that you like. Because the one that you like will eventually leave you for the one that they love." Hunn I am praying for that one day that you would finally realize we are the ones who truely care about you, not those random girls/guys that bitch at you. Whos the one whos really fake? This world does not only revolve around you. Not everything goes your way. Deal with it bitch.

You know what I just realized?

[>] when a cutie keep staring at you, look back and smile (I swear this only happens in the movies! hahaha. But Ima do it... MUAHAHHA)

 I think I can say that I have half completed this and HALF-CHECK it off the list. See it don't really count unless it's a total stranger right? LOL.

;3
you see? the greater than sign is HALF of a X. HAHAHA....
lame lame lame.
can't think right because I only had about 3 hours of sleep. && once again of course dada was being a bitch when I was waking up. LIKE EVERDAY. Asdasdfasdfasdf. Killed my mood. I have so much to do today & tomorrow this is crazy, not the best of days to have a big lack of sleeep. Now I have a headache and I can't think right. We are in the computer lab doing some project in modern world. Idkay what to do. Everything is due tomorrow, no school on friday! Wheeee~~~



&& dam can't you guys appreciate what I do instead of trying to find the slightest flaws of it!? Fuckers. I swear. Dam this whole stop swearing thing is not going so well... but dam. Let me PMS. I DID stay up MOST OF the night ;o I am just a bit crankyyy. But dam can't you find compliments? Something? Dam it don't have to be a compliment. Just stop trying to find the slightest offense.
"If you have nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all"
May I please say I LOVE that quote.


Call me a baby, I know I am complaining a whole lot and should just realize this is the 'real world' lol. Oh hells. Best believe not everyone is like you. I like you as a friend and all but dam, you sure aint helping me get any better atm. More like stepping all over my face.


Goodbye better get to that 'project'

I cant help but blog!

Have I mentioned that I have these weird super awesome artistic moments each year? Yes it only comes ONCE A YEAR! && today was it :) hehehe.


Last Year:



--wait I HAVE TO SLEEP. ITS LIKE 1:35 AM AND I DIDNT EVEN DO MY HOMEWORK YET. I won't post the pictures until tomorrow.... I am deciding if I should send it to my penpal or keep it? EEEEEKKK.

I Found Out Today That bananas are not meant to be put into the fridge

;x

Duck Duck Duck. GOOSE

I love moments that could turn out to be the worst nightmares, but they are also one of the best fantasies if you overcome them :)
Hehe just enjoy the moment, because thats all that counts. Right now, right here.

Bobby Brackins

I love his style of music :) ohmyy~ Hehe.

So I guess its back into the old days when we used to hang out a whole lots :) hehe && i like that! The duckateers and all man. Its nice. && Amy I hope you had a very nice day :) hehe. I was thinking a whole lots today, while walking my cold butt to school. I have been late too much lately :O its stoopid. but I hate how the parents would come and wake me up and set me off in the worst mood ever, EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. they bitch at me to while waking me up. Uggh not the best way to start off the days yea? I hate how they expect me to stay home and listen to them and this and that. Well if they aint giving me the attention I am sorry hun I found friends for that tho? && Yet they bitch and be like "you have to stop hanging out with peoples" you the one not giving a shit, so why care now? Yeah... I tried to tell them about my 'future' and my career and all today, dada was like "shut up and go do your homework". I really feel ya lovin' (:


Hoe.

I found out I changed a lot. LOL no not recently... You may have read this over and over again a LONG time ago. Yes I seem to repeat the same things over & over again. It gets annoying I know! SO MAYBE STOP READING THEN!? LOL.
I am trying to keep myself up and above all the bullshit they do.... its crazy. I don't think I deserve it and no one else does either! Why do I still put up with you guys? I don't know. You guys are asshoes. At least I have better mains tho.


ewh I don't like how this blog is going. because this sounds like something for est2010 buh then at the same time it just sound something for my private blog... What am I saying? Lemme start a new post....

No.

You are making me doubt myself more than enjoy myself. So please, back away already.

So its almost the end of the year &&

You know how I collected all of my receipts and everything?
Its going to scare me. I can already feel it. I noticed I use a lot of money.. like a LOT. ohmylardd.
&& ITS NOT EVEN ON SHOPPING?! ITS ON... IDKAY WHAT!
OMFG.
stop being a fatty and buying so much food wenxi ;x
I am trying to have a healthy routine going on here, well healthy as in health-wise && mental-wise && ... physical-wise? LOL.



:)
goodnight.

Remember the Days

[

[One] ChiFilaMese,Today I finally went and revisited out blog... Which has been like a ghosttown for awhile... I miss you guys. Wow. Remember this picture? This was the day ChiFilaMese was officially established. I know we all have dreams, we were once kids, && still are! We may have been naive, silly, smartasses, dumbasses, sexybeasts, monters, lovers, haters, the shitzzz babe. LOL. && we still are. We are one... but yes as you guys mentioned... Its been awhile. && I know how things are different now... I can feel it too and I am thousands of miles away! We may have had dreams but, right now its so hard. Dreams of a star? (or STARS?) haha. Its all good hun. You guys are all so very talented, you guys don't have to rush it. Ily&Imy. Babes take care.

[Two] OhCuties.
This was so long ago. Oh man... Sarah & Andrew! They are so adorable hehehe. These two are my cousins (: They are all grown now... But I found this on facebook today and I can't help but save it SOMEWHERE. I remember she gave me that dress shes wearing too! It was my PJs ;3 hehe. (HandMeDowns :D_)
Andrew looked so cute back then hehehe. I don't think I lived with them yet... back then. But yes I lived with them when I first came to America (: I remembered it like it was yesterday. I would walk by their old house (they don't live there anymore!) && Remember all the times I spent there... I loved that house. I always want to rent that house again, just because. I love it there (:

[Three] Reen
You were my partner in crime babyy. Oh actually no... You stopped me from crimes & supported me all the way and helped me to do better. Babe I adored you so. I miss how I would vent to you and you'd complain about how I would repeat the same things over & over. && I DOO! lol. I miss how you inspired me to do better, to work and try my best. I missed how you would keep me up, never bring me down. You kept my self esteem up and looked after me in every way. You were not scared to show your true feelings, you were never into the whole highschool pressure. You were always there for me, even though you were busy with your life & I was busy with mines, we somehow found time for each other. No we may not have been the kind of friends who would tell each other everything, not the kind of friends who would talk on the phone for hours and hours each day. We barely kept in contact because there was no need. It was ohkay the way it was, it was all fine. We did everything together, hehe. && babe we were both camera hookers! Work it baby girll (: your smile brightened my day. We were like opposites, in a way. I liked to party & have fun & I didn't like doing work. You, you did work. You worked your heart out, trying your best in everything! You cared about your education & you had such a wonderful family... Believe me babe you made me think of life in a whole new way. I started to study, to try and care. && you would come and have fun with me. We were like sisters, I would spend hours at your house each day, even your parents would think it was weird if I wasnt over! Hahaha. I loved your family btw. They pretty much took me in (: hehe. I miss your FOODDD. && the crazy dancing. Singing. KARAOKE! BUBBLEWRAP! lol. I can always show you my true self. The times we've laughed together, cried together, hehehe. Your so beautiful. I can't want to see you again. Imy&Ily way too much.

[Four]Love.

Awh I remember you were born the first day I met your mama! && I been there ever since (: EXCEPT NOT ANYMORE. dfasdfasd ;( I miss you so much. I remember the first night I took you home. It was raining and there was lightning, you were so scared! I was in the laundry room with you the whole time, I did not want to leave you at all! I tried to hold you down but I almost cried knowing that it was the first night away from your parents. Babe I felt so bad ;( && At the same time I was happy because I finally had my own doggie! It was all a dream. Hehe and earlier that day me & suzie went to get you. I had all the supplies, the leash and everything ready. It was such a sudden decision. I just took everything and said "MAMA I WANT TO GET THE DOGGIE!" then I ran out of the house. At least Jay was home (: hehe. I went and got suzie and started toward Jays. Then I got lost -.-' because I forgot how to get to his house! Took us almost an hour to get there WTF. I had to carry you home because you were so scared leaving his house, you didn't move at all everytime I tried to put you down! We went through the park & you almost pooped on me, thanks hunn...
You wasn't potty trained && you were a little brat! LOL. little one, you wouldn't listen and made me so frustrated! One night you kept barking and kept the whole family up, I was forced to put you out into the yard... oh man it must have been scary for you ;x I woke up and I ran to teh backyard to get you hehe.
Times past, & for a reason, I had to give you back ;x & it was the hardest thing to do. I remember cuddling with you on my bed and just cry....
I miss the times when I would let you loose around my room and you would pee in that one corner... GRRR. && you would go right next to me and sleep right next to my chair, hehehe. You were such a cutie... I miss you dearly ;*(
I used to cry the hardest begging my mama to let me keep you. I couldn't stop crying when I dropped you off at Jay's house and just... left you there. That was the last time I ever saw you. You wanted to come with me... You jumped the highest you could and couldnt get out of that cage... It was the hardest thing to loose you. The days after those were killers... The times when I would come home and hear you barking even before I open up the door... Those were hard. I would see your water bowl and start crying. Your shampoo... leash.... food. The places you've pee-d. Poo-d.... wow this is starting to become a longgg post :x

Jealous is a bitch aint it?

It makes peoples turn ugly. Inside & out.


SO GIRL STOP TRIPPINGGGGGG;;;

WHAT AM I DOING!?

lol.
So theres a list of things I want to do this year ;3
I didn't even finish my new years resolution list mayne!
but anyways

[ ] spend a day at the portrero skatepark. Just sit there and drool ;3
[>] when a cutie keep staring at you, look back and smile (I swear this only happens in the movies! hahaha. But Ima do it... MUAHAHHA)
[ ] hardcore truth&dare! (childish? HEHEHE) && not pass at all, no exceptions! This never seem to happen ;x
[ ] Finish the bag I started on in 8th grade... Yes I still have it. It still looks awesome. I just have to fix the handle ;o
[ ] Delete my facebook/myspace. Who knows....
[ ] Go back to visit Arizona!
[ ] Double up on my math and/or science classes! ;x
[ ] Get 4.0? :D
[ ] Go on a actual date (: (BUT NO RELATIONSHIPS)
[ ] Go to a formal dance, ball, etc.
[ ] READ A BOOK! :O (&& FINISH!)
[ ] Make a choreography :)
[ ] Get a chain that says Doll.
[ ] Open up a saving account, and actually SAVE.
[ ] Get one more piercing!



[ ] Go on the computer about 2 to 3 hours a day (weekdays at least)
[in progress...] Eat a healthy(er) diet. Fruit & Veggies daily!
[ ] Do my daily breads!
[in progress...] Take a picture every day and posting it on est2010.blogspot.com
[ ] To know... Once Again.



MORE TO COME!

Oh don't you feel played.

lol feeling helluh stoopid because, LOL.

Wow

LOL oh no. no no no. NO.

A - AVAILABLE: No mam. Single && NOT AVAILABLE. lol
B - BIRTHDAY: August 8
C - CRUSHING ON: Teason Miao. Do you believe me? lol.
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Water
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: atm I have to give that to the duckateer, simon
F - FAVORITE SONG: Love Hold Jon Chea. (Dam you I hate favorites!)
G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: BOTH. lol fuck you ;3
H - HOMETOWN: chi-chi-chi-china!!!
I - IN LOVE WITH: LOL. whoa whoa hold on now.
J - JUGGLE: I trieddd ;x
K - KILLED SOMEONE: Hell yeah, drowned them with my 'overflowing swag' ahahha.
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: AZ-SF
M - MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: idkay? Just gimme a dam milkshake dammit ;o
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 3
O - ONE WISH: Awh.... ;x I'm too scared to say.
P - PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: Mama?
R - REASON TO SMILE: Grace.
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Lupe Fiasco- superstar
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 7?
U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: PINKK. lol
W - WORST HABIT: Thinking. Hah... Such an ass
X - X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: on my wrist?
Y - YOYOS: WALK THE DOG!
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: leooo ;D

"What is a Scar?"

"It is a marking on your body that won't go away" I said. Hannah has a scar on her leg from the time when she cut herself and has gotten 6 stitches. Ouch!
Today she pointed to her scar and said "Look sister, it is almost done!". I had to tell her that a scar will never go away ;x and she asked, "what is a scar?".
The conversation after that was quite adorable ;3
"I don't like it, my scar. Why won't it go away? It's ugly and when I grow up and have a boyfriend, he won't like it. I will just hide my feet. I won't let him see it"

my reply was "No hannah! Find a guy who will like your scar too. Ohkay?" Thats the simplest way I can put it. Hahaha. But all in all, true love is someone who can love you, inside and out (:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Valentines Day is Almost Here!

&& its making me sad! So lonely! ;o

I know it already ended... but ;3

2009 IS ALMOST OVER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Anything big?
Your mama's

Stayed single almost the whole year?
LOL whole year hunny. Staying single (:

Were involved in something you’ll never forget?
hahaha I am sure.

Tripped over a coffee table?
Maybe ;3

Dyed your hair?
for the first time in life, i can say, YES!

Kissed someone who meant something to you?
Oh no no. Staying away from the guys ;3

Came close to losing your life?
LOL what can I say?

Saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
Nope ;x

2009: Friends and Enemies

Did you meet any new friends this year?
yessirr ;3

Did you hate anyone?
Hate is such a strong word.

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
I don't like regrets

2009: Your BIRTHDAY!

Did you have a cake?
Heheheh yeeeh :) it was so good.

Did you get any presents?
Forgot o.o LOL

2009: All about YOU

Did you change at all this year?
Biggg time.

Did you change your style?
kind of.

Were you in school?
lol yea, sophmoree.

Did you get good grades?
Somewhat, stayed at 3.78 both times ;D

Did you drive?
Nopesss, but 2 more months hunnyy (:

Did you own a car?
I wishhh

Did anyone close to you give birth?
MAMA!

Did you go on any vacations?
Sure?

Would you change anything about yourself now?
theres many flaws

2009: Wrap UP:

Was 2009 a good year?
Pretty nice (: hoping for a better year though;;

Do you think 2010 will top 2009?
Lets hope.

IN THE YEAR 2009 I CONFESS THAT I….

Kissed in the snow?
I don't even think I saw snow in 09

Ran a mile?
Oh man. Dam P.E

Visited a foreign country?
Nopes not this year

Told someone you were busy when you weren’t
haha yea -.-''

Cooked a disastrous meal?
Course! LOL. I don't got time for no real cookingg.

Lied about how old you were?
LOL yeas -.-

IN 2009 I…..

Lied?
Who hasn't!?

Disappointed someone close?
Yea -.-'

Kept a secret someone told you?
Course.

Pretended to be happy?
yeaah...

Slept under the stars?
don't remember the last time I just walked out of the house, so Idk.

Met someone who changed your life?
I am sure

Changed your outlook on life?
it changes dailyy

Sat home all day doing nothing?
LOL yea

Lost something expensive?
hmmmmm.

Learned something new about yourself?
Yeahss ;x

Tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it?
Yes I remember that feeling, just forgot what XD

Made a change in your life?
Uhummmm

Found out who your true friends were?
Hmmm.

Met great people?
Yesirr ;3

Stayed up til sunrise?
Yesssirrr

Cried over the silliest thing?
YES! -.-'

Had friends who were drifting away from you?
how can I not.... >.>

Spent most of your money on food?
AAHAHAH DAILY!!!

Gotten sick.?
yup

Became closer with a lot of people?
yessirrr.

Love vs. Hate

Sooner or later you may finally realize that even when someone Hate something to its fullest, you need to just DEAL WITH IT! Or, no. I should not put it that way, because that is not the angle I'm trying to get to. I am talking about, you may hate something, but then you can't live without it, deal with that situation! Like you may hate doing something, but then you do it anyways, because that is YOU.
Remember the days when Love & Hate is plainly LOVE&HATE. No strings attached. It was a sharp edged out feeling, but as you grow older you see those edges start to fade. It is just part of your life.


I realized this just awhile ago... You know how when you say you hate something, but you still do it, and then others will call you fake or wannabe etc? Welll see. I realized that sometimes, just because you hate something doesn't mean you won't do it. It doesn't mean you can't have it in your life. Even if you may hate it to a point you really want it just AWAYYYY from you, but at times, see, its just life.

&& I am just so selfish

If I was not in the middle of you guys, you & him would have been all lovey dovey over each other already. We wouldnt had to go through all the drama and heart break && THAT CYCLE. THAT NASTY CYCLE OF ME THEN YOU THEN DRAMA & THEN TRUST. OMFG.
I am sorry, I killed it for you -.-'' I feel so bad because right now I can't even seem to recall anything, like I was in a dream and I really can't remember any of it. I do remember the actions, but I can't remember how he made me felt, how he was so special to me, how he was my day & night, he was my drug. Haha oh nope I can't remember any of that, I just remmeber from all the things I wrote, but I can't remember how I felt toward it. He... Was.


OOppp lost my train of thought. Anywho. I felt like I was being so selfish, because obviously I didn't like him as much as you did. Because even after it all, you still are lingering for him & I am here just homies widd him. One look from him kills you inside... I am sorry. I shouldn't have brought you there yesterday...


Babe don't cry. We don't need to go through all that again. Don't cryy.



Tell me why I like blogging to your more, maybe its because when I say something meaningful like this I can actually think, instead of loosing my train of thoughts when you reply me and contradict me LOL

oh yeah, && new word, I didn't know I knew the word contradict ;3
contradict- to oppose or object

lol another one of those words that pops out in my head, that I didn't know I knew the definition of.

Puppy Love

oh yes its one of a kind. First you think it may mean the world! Then... You wouldn't even be able to recall what happened. not at all.
I felt so selfish today, I was reading your latest post & I just felt... So Stoopid. He seem like me meant so much to you, and well I guess he was for me too. But right now, the thing is. I try so hard, SOOO soo hard to find that feeling back but I can't. I try to remember the first time I cried so hard for him, and the feeling he made me felt, it was on top of the world hunn. But then I guess thats what you call puppy love, because I swear I can't recall that feeling at all. Maybe its because my body & mind decided to move on, to move on and away from this. I guess I have decided to stop torturing myself, and I wish you could do that too.
Love is a crazy word cutie, it has many highs and lows and truth and false. It has many good & bad etc. etc. etc. It's crazy, wow. trying to remember what I went through makes me laugh at myself. Haha.
&& again, adds up justice for why I can't be in a relationship. Do I really deserve it!? Do you see how I can say I am truely heads over heels for someone then next thing you know, I would be forgetting every moment of it. No matter how magical it may have been at that moment, it WAS AT THAT MOMENT. Not now, not in the future. && Well. See. How can I let anyone else get close to me when I don't even trust myself with someone elses heart?
Please don't fall for me.


(&& No I don't have a killer decease, I will not die soon, this is NOT A Walk To Remember, LOL. Well at least I HOPE I do not have a killer decease! ;O)

Knowledge Comes In Many Forms

or so I believe...
Parents, they are such asses. I like my interest in art, I like my interest in art, in dance, in photography. All those 'art' to you guys are useless. Wow. Thanks. Such supportive parents right?!
&& You would think they would be proud for my enthusiasm & my want for more knowledge in art. Yeah. Wow. You know what.
AT LEAST I DONT STAY HOME AND WASTE MY TIME ON NOTHING. I AM TRYING TO BE PRODUCTIVE AND DO SOMETHING I LIKE. GETTING A GOOD JOB IS NOT ALWAYS EVERYTHING!
First of all, I AM looking at a career as a psychiatrist or a performer, how is that not good? At least I care about my future.
No. I refuse to go to work everyday with a frown on my face then come home complaining on how fucked up my day has been.
thank you very much for your support,
Mom&Dad.

Today I realized "Imperfection makes it Perfect", in a new degree.

"Do you believe in love at first sight?"

No, Not anymore. I think Love is Built over time as things happen and you realize the truth and false about life.

I think that it is somewhat possible to its own degree, you can choose someone that you want to love the first time you see them, but whether you guys will end up In Love is built over time.



But who knows, maybe I will find myself a 'love at first sight' one day :3

I hate myself

for making excuses.
the truth is there.
to be seen
wtf.
I need a slap on the face or something.
Cuhs obviously I am not thinking clearly.
At least last one ended better. this one just... LOL.
I have to laugh at myself -.-''





Dam, lets just turn lesbian (:

Yeah.

She was right, I am asking for a heartbreak. but why... It wasnt even serious. I mean. haha. Yeah.
Blab blab.




Last time this year was when.. We grew apart. Same exact time. I was torturing myself last year...


>.>


No. I did like him. But then. See. I guess, I have been warned. Lol.


Dam girlll; whys you like to risk it so much? ;O

Im trying here, I really am trying

can't you tell?


I want you close,
but that is just too dangerous.

Dam You

I told them you were not official crush. But dam boy, you had me drooling. && now you have me almost tearing just because I really dont want me to fall for you. I am so scared of falling for you. I have been warned way too many times && I have really given up on trying to change a player. Oh whee. I can't do this. I have to find someone else, because I am really scared of this heartbreak and I must leave at once.
I think it'd be better off it I could just stop talking to you, hah now is that even possible?! You are such a torture. I am trying to see this as a lesson and just fall. But hah really? I can't. I can't fall. It's too scary. I have fallen way too many times to be stoopid and fall face flat again.



Tell me why` I cant get you out of my mind. Oh you sexybeast!

Facebook Groups <3 (:

1. We don't like it when you hold our hand, we ♥ it.

2. We're not all high maintenance. Seriously, who spends five hours getting ready every day? If I'm not going anywhere, I'm not putting much effort into how I look, unless I just want to feel cute.

3. Cheesy and corny is adorable. Seriously.

4. We like it if you're a dork because we are too, so we can be dorks together :)

5. We think you are unbelievably complicated too. Trust me.

6. We can like blood and gore too, but even if we aren't scared, we'll still act like we are ;)

7. Usually "I'm fine" means "I'm not at all okay"You see, not all of us are drama queens, so we don't want to come off as one. Also, we don't like being vulnerable.

8. There are some things you just shouldn't say to a girl if you are in a relationship with someone else.Like: you're beautiful, I really like talking to you, you're amazing... need I say more?We can't help but read into these things, especially if we want more than anything for you to really mean them.

9. If we cry in front of you, whatever happened to us must have been really bad or have hurt us a lot.

10. If you sing to us, even if you're not very good at it, we're like putty in your hands. Not even joking.

11. Don't treat us differently in front of your friends. If they're really your friends, why would you have to act different?

12. We like hugs. They make us feel safe.

13. We might watch the game with you, if you watch The Notebook [or whatever] with us. Some of us do actually enjoy watching the game with you though, so don't be too shocked if we slip on a team jersey.

14. Sometimes when you tell us we're pretty and we fight with you and say we're not, it's because we really don't believe that we are.

15. You don't just date us, you date our best friend too.

16. We love your hoodies WAY more than our own. Mostly because they smell like you.

17. It's not mandatory for you to text, call, or IM first... but we really like it when you do.

18. If you can make us laugh or smile a lot, we're practically yours already.

19. If we smile a lot when we're around you and you ask us what we're smiling about and we say "nothing" or "no reason"... you're probably the reason.

20. We really do dream about being kissed in the pouring rain.

21. It really annoys us when you blame everything on pms or say it can't be that bad. Imagine what it might feel like to have someone punch you in the abdomen multiple times for 4-7 days. Yeah.

22. We love getting flowers for no reason. It doesn't even have to be a whole bouquet. One flower for no reason would be just as sweet.

23. We love your eyes.

24. We like it when you play with our hair, so go ahead.

25. We're never really too old for stuffed animals, especially if they're from you :)

26. We really do like it when you open doors for us... :)

27. When we say we're cold, that is most likely your cue to hold us.

28. We like when guys smell good. That doesn't mean bathe in your cologne though, so please don't. You like when we smell good without choking you, we like the same thing.

29. We really do appreciate it when you try to cheer us up when we're feeling down about something [even if it doesn't seem like that big a deal]. We will remember and try to return the favor.

30. If you aren't honest with us and we know it, it hurts our feelings.

31. Words like beautiful, pretty, cute, and the like are much preferred over words like hot or sexy.

32. It's cute when you notice our bored or nervous habits. We notice yours too and most likely find them adorable.

33. We like it when you kiss us on the forehead :) it's sweet.

34. When we say we miss you, we mean it and you have no idea how much.

35. Please, please, please don't say you love us unless you mean it.

36. We usually text you for two reasons: We miss you or we just really like talking to you. We don't text for for several reasons: We want you to miss us, we're mad, or we don't want to annoy you.

37. It really isn't mandatory for you to spend money on us. Spending time with you makes us happy. If you're dating a girl that thinks it IS mandatory that you do, you should find a new girl.

38. Most of us would prefer actual food over a salad, so don't lose hope. haha [Seriously, who are these girls that JUST eat salads? Give me some pizza... :)]

39. We talk to our friends about you. Don't worry, it definitely isn't always a bad thing. We talk about you so much because we like you :)

40. If we seem to like taking pictures of/with you, it's only because we like showing you off. And maybe so we can stare at you even when you're not around because we think you're just that cute.

41. It isn't necessary, but if the urge strikes you to write us a love letter or a poem or even a song, go right ahead. We will LOVE it... and maybe even possibly cry :)

Cornyyy;

I love it ;3

My Highlight; Him. My Lowlight; Also Him.....

10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now

1. I miss you guys so much ;3 GAH.
2. Promise me one thing, don't fall in love with me. (A WALK TO REMEMBER <3 ;D)
3. I don't know where those feelings went.. I am looking for them, because those feelings seem safe with you, than with him....
4. Oh you whore -.- I hate what you do, people like you make me hate my own kind.
5. Be my new motivation; you are such a cutie (:
6. I like you, CANT YOU TELL? You & your mixed signals... Ohkay I can't say your the only one I have feelings for, fuck it. I dont even know who I have feelings for. But right now, All I can say is that you are always on my mind. You make me smile.
7. haha now why are most of these about guys!? -.-''
8. I feel like I am such a disapointment to you every time you give me that look, stop it.
9. I am sorry....
10. You make me feel awfully awkward around you. stop it.


9 things people may not know about you

1. I care about what others think of me, a lot.
2. I am very self conscious.
3. I am scared of relationships.
4. I cannot stay in a commitment, because I am scared of the downfall.
5. I am having second thoughts about what I had in arizona.
6. I always like to be against myself, just to keep myself stronger, if I can handle it.
7. I try to learn from my mistakes, but I don't
8. I used to be a fairytale believer, now I am....
9. I am actually very mature, way more than I get credited for. I just don't like to show my mature-ness because everyone else around me is so, silly.


8 ways to win your heart

1. Dont fall right away into my arms. Lets play tug-of-war & never have a winner.
2. Do not EVER say sweet things you don't mean. They just hurt more when you show the false side of it.
3. Be a romantic (: it weaken my knees.
4. Sing to me, I don't care. Just sing.
5. Don't tell me you love me. please don't. Not until you REALLY mean it. I wouldn't expect it within the first year (: LOL.
6. Respect me and the peoples around me. Don't tell me to go hang out with you when my family is in a crisis, that is just fucked up. Tell me to do the right things instead of wrong.
7. Don't be ashamed, lets be a little spontaneous (:
8. I like little games, just don't drag them too long.


7 things that cross your mind a lot

1. Him
2. Her
3. Them
4. Questioning myself. (family, religion, relationship, future, etc)
5. What to do?
6. Am I myself? Who Am I?
7. Am I ready for this?


6 things you do before you fall asleep (not in order)

1. clean myself up
2. set alarm
3. blog/twit/myspace/facebook
4. ipod.
5. check my texts
6. aim


5 things you notice in the opposite sex

1. hair
2. smile
3. dress
4. personality
5. status


4 things you wish you never did/had

1. Live
2. Life
3. Without
4. Regrets!


3 songs to describe your life (Right now)

1. For some reason
2. I dont notice when songs are talking about
3. MY life anymore. so nothing here please (:


2 things you want to do before you die

1. Grow in God.
2. find Love.


1 confession

1. Teason Miao you made me smile todayy (: I wish all the sweet things you say actually mean something real.

I miss you baby where you go?

Some of the weirdest things happened to me yesterday night...

@Wenduuu

Guys DO have cooties.
i have proof.







&& thats why I am so dam attracted to them (: LOL.

lol Fail.

owheee. had a nice start buht ended with a big disapointment!!! :O

anywhooo; Hehehe I cant stop laughing when I think about what happened. Idkay? hehe (: Lets just say it was 'cute'? but other than that NO COMMENT.

&& first day of YAAW today. Well orientation anyways. I really hope I can fit in? Lol well haye now thats not like me o.o I usually want to fit OUT. but then to play that right I have to first play along with the rules, to fit in. Right now its just bit weird cuhs well I don't know anyone! Eeeek! && Knowing that I really want to become a therapist instead makes me feel guilty... since I showed that I wanted to become a dancer when I grew up during the interview & all... BUH HAYE NOW. I DID TELL THEM I WAS THINKING ABOUT THERAPIST INSTEAD..?! Ayoo babygirl gosta chill.
Today was just a tour around the art gallary. Oh mann. I am in love with the dance room. I think that is where our winterball is going to take place too! hehe. I didnt ask... Oh why not!? ;O grrr. you know that feeling when you feel like you want to ask but then don't know if you should? I hate that feeling, because once that feeling arrives, theres only 2 thing to do. To ask, or not to ask. && IF I DONT ASK I FEEL SO TERRIBLE AFTERWARDS BECAUSE IT WAS JUST ASKING! LIKE "WTF WHY CANT YOU EVEN ASK A QUESTION?! ARE YOU THAT USELESS?!" LOL. Oh yes I love myself so much right? HAHAHAHA.


Oh && we also made a little video describing ourselves, like name age school grade two words to describe ourselves && our favorite song. Oh man the SECOND time they asked for favorites today... First it was favorite food, now favorite song. WHY FAVORITE?! I HATE THAT WORD. SO MUCH. I cannot pick favorites, I think it is unfair to both the person picking it and the thing/person they are calling their favorite. I think picking a favorite is the same as picking something you HATE. && HATE is a HUGE word... I am just saying. I mean, it is still picking one specific thing that you have A WHOLE LOT of affection for, and I think the only word that should be allowed to be used for that is Love. Love is the only thing we want right? Not HATE. Not FAVORITE. Love can be spread around, it can be for many things. But see FAVORITE is the BEST. It can only have ONE thing, if there is too many, then it is no longer the FAVORITE.

&& thats why I cant have best friends. Because BestFriend is a huge word and I just can't do it. Call me immature, call me greedy because I want more than one, but at the moment, that is how I feel.

Oh Guess Where I Am?

COMPUTER LAB >;D
but this time I am in history class, suckers.
Gah having a moody moment. Getting so annoyed of every little thing I see or do or well EVERYONE. GAHHH.
Sometimes I feel so distant from you I don't know you at all. But does it matter? It seems like you don't want to tell me shit anymore.

&& oh man life is boring, yet so complicated!!!
I took one single look at you, and I melted. Last time it lasted for one week, how long will this time last? Is it because I feel like I just need someone there right now? Dam boy....


GAH. LETS GO HOMO(:

i lied.

maybe i didnt.



-.-''

Let Me Tell You One Thing

I think I fell for you. LOL funny, I have warned myself, you have warned me. Everyone else have warned me too! First it started out as a joke, now I am not sure. At times I love your company, at times I love your presence. But then again, sometimes you make me mad! Its like you here giving your little words, & once I show 'feeling' & go along. You hurry & back up & be like oh its not good.... dam you know who you are. LOL.
buh again. im helluh PMSing today. dont mind me.

Right now I suddenly want to talk to you so bad ;x

Rainbow socks.

Pioneer- someone who explore new things

Distressed- pretty much... stress.


lol havnt had a new word in awhile. I had to look these up ;3 i had a basic idea of what it meant... I just had to make sure! LOL. I seem to question my own knowledge a lot btw.

You Asshole.

I cant do my resolutions. I am letting you get to me, I am letting you kill it for me. You have ripped me away from my past, and now you are cutting me down from my preset. what do you want from me? No this, No that. Fuck you. You know what? I would have ended up way more worse with any other. I couldve killed my self already. I could have over dosed. I could have had alcohol poisining and all that bullshit. But you seee? I haven't dont any of that shit. I stay clean. I know what the fuck I am doing. & maybe if you actually listened when I tell you and believe the fucken words I say, you would know that I am doing pretty dam good. I am not like those who fuck around. I think before I do and I always keep the dam family in mind. Buht fuck, you have taken way too much away from me. You have taken my friends, my other 'family', my loved ones. Fuck and now I have a good thing going on here and you want to cut me off from them too?! Really!? Take one dam second to think about how I feel, to listen, and maybe to care, to ACTUALLY CARE.

I Hate You. I Hate Me.

I hate what I have turned into because of you. I was all good. & now I don't know what I have turned into. What the hell is this!? I use to respect you guys. Now I don't give a fuck. In the past I would be the one helping peoples like the present me, to tell them that there is actually hope and not let assholes like you ruin it. Its not worth it. But you bring me back, back to the me where I used to do anything to just prove a point. To someone who don't care. To not have a heart. To just....


"Fuck the world" Lil Wayne.

Cuhs right now, you aint shit to me. I don't like you. I hate you.


OH & yes, to the person who thought Hate was a big word. Right now I use it on you like its just any other. Fuck you.


yes I am PMSing.

Da-ily

est2010.blogspot.com


my new blog.
so let me explain! this blog will still be used at times. that one will have a new blog each day (PROMISED)
it will have a picture everyday of the things I did and will have a quick update. Like a caption or something.

This blog will still be used OF COURSE! for everything else I want to post about (:
so please follow that one as well! :D

I hate it when peoples take the username/title/etc of your choice, but they dont even go on!

GRR YOU DAILYDOSE.BLOGSPOT.COM
20001?!?! REALLY?! lol... Hopefully you are not dead yet o.o

"lajdsfklfjdkasfjd &this crazy bitch named WENXI, kept running lights, HAHAH! :)" quoted off wendys blog

I am so tired. I couldn't even come back to blog yesterday!! Anywho. Let me summarize yesterday (: or should I say this morning? It was awesomely amazing. We got out of the house around 11, met up with Wendu, Amy, Simon, & Steven. Went ice skating, park, and pretty much wasted time around downtown. We walked to Union Square, oh my it was... something. It was so lovely & nice & it was like something you would see in the movies. There was a outside skating rink & a REAL CHRISTMAS TREE! (fascinated) IT WAS HUGE. whoaaa. Haha that place made me feel lonely. You know that one quote or saying "Feeling lonely when everyone is around you is the worst loneliness" or something? Yeah it was one of those quotes. There was love & warmth everywhere cept ayo I just felt lonely you know? Well kind of. I was not with my family... && he wasn't there. (wow he? he who? I dont know). But I was with my friends though! Which was awesome (: in everyway. We got cider & went to the wharf. LOL we were pretty much like lost puppies just wandering around since it was hours until fireworks && well FISHERMANS WHARF IS A HUGE PLACE. We came across this one little closed in place where it gave off a little french style feeling o.o there were benches and tables and bars and restaurants in there & there were so many lights, it was amazing. I loved that place, we pretty much just sat there playing "confessions". && Well I also went into the bar o.o WHOA. haha felt so badass yesterday night >;D anywho. Confessions. I realized I lied. I named a few of the guys I "Liked" But then I realized I don't like them... I mean. I do. But I cant say that I like them because they were all eye candy. && I also mentioned Andrew. Which was hillarious now thinking back, that is such a lie atm. I am over him right? I dont even know who I like anymore. I am not serious with any of my eye candies. They are STRICTLY EYECANDIES. Oh&& I confessed how I cried over Him. Woww >< I think that was the first time I cried over him too. That was huge of me to come out to say it. I cant believe I did that haha! Buht it felt good.
Went to the wharf afterwards & took pictures (: saw calvin & jessie & thomas & their crew. It killed my mood in many ways... which is not to be mentioned! Just walked around the whole place pretty much until 11:30 we went to get food and came back onto the bridge LUCKILY found a spot and waited (:
11:58 I cant believe the New year was coming already and the old has past. This year was.... really something. I lot of things happened. Freshman year at Chavez.... Oh man I still remember winter break was when I realized I was madly liking Eddie. Haha. That was exactly a year ago. I really thought that was something. Believ e it or not what I had for him was a big transition for me from being little elementry puppy crushes to.. actually thinking and looking into my feelings you know? Its hard to explain. && I am sure Andrew was part of that transition. Haha it was awesome when I started liking from some ghettoass posers to skaters. LOL. Whats next? Oh you pretty boy.
2009 was also the year I realized what friendship was, && I know for a fact I am still growing in that. I also got so close to God, then pulled away, and longed for him again. Man it was a up-&-down thing for me. I also went through some of the best "family" moments in my life. For once I felt like it would work you know? But then after them move I am just being a little brat about everything and now I just don't know anymore. One of my goals is to regain the trust and relationship with my parents... It wont be easy. But I will try.
In 2009 I have known so many things I was so thankful for. But I have to say... You may have known, but that doesnt mean you still know.
That is something I learned this year.