"#98 Your relationships reflect your fears and limits. How can anyone ever give you what you won’t allow."

I've realized that I have so much hatred and insecurities when it comes to men. They are never enough. There's always flaws, always fuck-ups, always this always that... I'm not picky, I'm not being a perfect little prick who can't accept anything but perfect... It's insecurities, and I hate to admit that.

Who can you really trust when there are so many guys out there just looking for ways to fuck up your heart? Hah. I'm really joking... Players play without emotions in mind. It's not because they are looking forward to breaking other's hearts... They are player's because they have learned to stop putting their heart into the hands of others. Just because they can't fall and gain feelings as easily... and since one out of the two always end up gaining feelings one way or another, they always end up the bad guy.
Is it bad that I can't imagine myself in love again? Love seems so foolish to me. No... The fact of me finding someone worth putting my all into again seems foolish to me. At least not right now... All the guy's are stupid, and I'm not even in the right place of mind anyways.

I realized something today: I need to grow up. I realized I've been very immature when it came to guys. I know I was by the way I dealt with the last guy. For one, I was getting mad at stupid stuff, getting into huge arguments and making assumptions... But most importantly, I had an image in my mind, and I knew he wasn't fitting into that image. I kept telling him : "This is not how I usually talk with guys..." and the story would go from there. Then, I realized that I wanted him to fit into my puppy love story again... Why?

I've grown from that. I expected him to fit back into my perfect childhood lover image when I am way far from that. I only get that once, what am I doing? I'm not trying to get back into my old ways and make the same mistakes again. I'm not trying to fall back into the same type of love, that's why I'm not with the same guy, duh. It's a new guy, new love, new untold story waiting to be written.

I mean, that part ended a while ago. There's no possibility of anything happening with us. We've parted ways, things didn't work out, etc etc.. but its a good lesson learned. I can't go looking for a guy who would make me feel the same way I used to. If I did, then why did I leave the first guy in the first place? It was definitely an amazing experience, but I left to make NEW experiences with new lovers... Not the same ones I already made with someone else. I know that now. Guys are going to treat me differently, show me love in different ways, and treat me like a lady and not their high school sweet heart, and I will have a great time enjoying that new type of love too.

Furthermore, I have to act more mature. If I act the same way I did in my last relationship, it's not going to end any way differently. Got to stop acting like a child and arguing over stupid things. Nope nope. Who the hell brings up so much drama between two people talking, when they aren't even in a relationship yet?! I mean, it's already bad I had all that drama IN a relationship, and now I am having that even when I wasn't in a relationship?! LOL. No no honeybooboo. Not cute :p


K.night.bye. just late night thoughts XD

Protective

There's something really funny about me. I've realized that I put up all these walls and precautions when I am with a guy, yet at the same time I don't do enough at all. In some ways, I set myself up for failure.

With this last guy, I let him get into my emotions quick, but I never showed him that. I think deep down he knew it, but at the same time I was holding so much back. I thought that if I didn't show him love, I wouldn't be falling in love. I thought if I didn't give up so much, I wouldn't be hurt. I was guarding myself from the pain... But in ways it pushed him away. I didn't show him love, I didn't show him my best sides. If anything, I showed him the worst of sides because I wanted to give both of us an image that what we had was nothing... Because that's what I thought it would be. I didn't think he was taking me seriously, even though he kept telling me he was. Honestly, that question will never be answered because the way he acted showed me he wasn't taking me seriously, at the same time, he DID try, and he DID stick around even through all the arguments... But I didn't give him a reason to. I didn't show him love, I didn't show him what I had to offer, I didn't show him what he could've fell in love with... So why was he staying?

Well, eventually, he made the decision to leave because obviously I didn't show him that it was worth it. 

A few reasons stand to why I didn't show him what I could've offered in this relationship. For one, like I said, I was not trying to get hurt. In my mind, if I didn't show him love, then I wasn't in love. Hah, I've learned to realize that's a lie. I might not have been in love with him, but I did fall hard for him. I was denying it in my head and I would not show him how I felt, but I knew I felt it deep down. Denying my feelings did not help at all. Secondly, I was blocked by my pride. I didn't trust him, I started everything with a state of mind that "he could not be serious with this, he could not be serious with me, there's just no way"... Why did I think that? Well, I thought every college guy was like that. I thought to myself... There's the player, and theres the one being played. If I held the upper hand and had control over the situation, I wouldn't get played. If I play him first, then I would be the one leaving first. I wouldn't be hurt. LOL I was stupid. Obviously. I mean, it makes sense, right? But I had a friend tell me this: "Whether you play him, or he plays you, at the end it's a lose-lose situation. On top of that, you might hurt him, ruin the chance with him, and lower yourself to every other player's level. Either way, you look like a fool, whether you get played, or you're the one playing him"... Lol. Ain't that a bitch. Hahaha. 

I don't know. I feel like we could've really had something, but I wasn't taking it seriously, and he wasn't either. We both didn't give each other a reason to... Or at least I didn't. He tried proving to me a few times that he was serious... But, to me what he was doing wasn't enough. The fact that I held myself back so much wasn't gaining his interest at all either. I was mean and cold to him every single time I felt myself getting to close :( Bad wenxi, you are no longer in elementary -.-' But sometimes a girl gotta do what she gots to do to guard her heart right?

I'm not saying he was worth it. He was a big asshole anyways. I almost never give him the benefit of the doubt, but whenever I did, he would fuck it up. So. I'm glad he's out of my life now. But it's definitely a lesson learned (:

-Moment of Silence-

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