"#98 Your relationships reflect your fears and limits. How can anyone ever give you what you won’t allow."

I've realized that I have so much hatred and insecurities when it comes to men. They are never enough. There's always flaws, always fuck-ups, always this always that... I'm not picky, I'm not being a perfect little prick who can't accept anything but perfect... It's insecurities, and I hate to admit that.

Who can you really trust when there are so many guys out there just looking for ways to fuck up your heart? Hah. I'm really joking... Players play without emotions in mind. It's not because they are looking forward to breaking other's hearts... They are player's because they have learned to stop putting their heart into the hands of others. Just because they can't fall and gain feelings as easily... and since one out of the two always end up gaining feelings one way or another, they always end up the bad guy.
Is it bad that I can't imagine myself in love again? Love seems so foolish to me. No... The fact of me finding someone worth putting my all into again seems foolish to me. At least not right now... All the guy's are stupid, and I'm not even in the right place of mind anyways.

I realized something today: I need to grow up. I realized I've been very immature when it came to guys. I know I was by the way I dealt with the last guy. For one, I was getting mad at stupid stuff, getting into huge arguments and making assumptions... But most importantly, I had an image in my mind, and I knew he wasn't fitting into that image. I kept telling him : "This is not how I usually talk with guys..." and the story would go from there. Then, I realized that I wanted him to fit into my puppy love story again... Why?

I've grown from that. I expected him to fit back into my perfect childhood lover image when I am way far from that. I only get that once, what am I doing? I'm not trying to get back into my old ways and make the same mistakes again. I'm not trying to fall back into the same type of love, that's why I'm not with the same guy, duh. It's a new guy, new love, new untold story waiting to be written.

I mean, that part ended a while ago. There's no possibility of anything happening with us. We've parted ways, things didn't work out, etc etc.. but its a good lesson learned. I can't go looking for a guy who would make me feel the same way I used to. If I did, then why did I leave the first guy in the first place? It was definitely an amazing experience, but I left to make NEW experiences with new lovers... Not the same ones I already made with someone else. I know that now. Guys are going to treat me differently, show me love in different ways, and treat me like a lady and not their high school sweet heart, and I will have a great time enjoying that new type of love too.

Furthermore, I have to act more mature. If I act the same way I did in my last relationship, it's not going to end any way differently. Got to stop acting like a child and arguing over stupid things. Nope nope. Who the hell brings up so much drama between two people talking, when they aren't even in a relationship yet?! I mean, it's already bad I had all that drama IN a relationship, and now I am having that even when I wasn't in a relationship?! LOL. No no honeybooboo. Not cute :p


K.night.bye. just late night thoughts XD