What can I say, I know a girl when I see a girl.

You do You. I do Me.

Yeah, I'm up for it.

ahh I am having that blogger dilemma again.

I hate not knowing where I should post something. at times I feel like I don't want to post too much for peoples, sometimes I don't want to underpost... BECAUSE I WANT PEOPLES TO READ ABOUT ME THE WAY I LOVE TO READ ABOUT THEM. just being honest :) ahhaha. Or shoo, I just don't like the fact that I have to pick which public/pivate blog to post things on. But does it really matter? Heh. YES because, shit. Sometimes my daily blogs are too informatic for my private blog. sometimes its too informatic for my public blog. DAM. and having 2 private and 1 public is confusing to know where to write my private blog. ORR if i have 2 public and 1 private, then... WHICH GOES ON WHICH PUBLIC?!

life is hard as a bitch.

oh this bitch.

Eddie Rodriguez,
You told me you missed me, that I was beautiful. I missed you, you were my bestfriend. You told me you wanted to hit yourself, you apologized for how much of a douche bag you were, saying your little lies before. You told me you wished that I would liked the new you, instead of liking the you before, because the one before was a jerk. I told you I changed. I told you the shameless things I do. & I felt bad. You told me to stop. You told me to stop hurting others. You said that you loved the old me. I, for a moment, thought it was possible to fall in Love. To change, because someone like you... Someone like YOU did. Remember the days you'd get in so much shit? Get yourself almost killed. I was always by your side. I would try to get you to change. To convince you to stop the weed, stop the drugs... You did, for a few weeks. Remember when you used to hug me so tight and not let go? We'd sway in the hallways. Remember when you'd care so much for me? You told me you missed me, and told me that the first paycheck you get, you will buy me a ticket back to arizona. Ohlala. How many boys have told me that already? LOL. But because of the way you changed, I believed you. You told me that you don't want to be a disapointment to others anymore. You told me to love, to fall. You told me that commitment is not hard when you truely love someone. You made it sound so easy, so possible. You inspired me.


THEN you told me how your little friend anniza offered you to fuck in the bubble bath and you couldn't pass up the offer. I asked you "what about that girlfriend of yours?", you told me you were just gonn tell her on the day of. and then how she'd probably break up but "hopefully join in the action". Oh you nasty little slut. I yelled at you, funny. Cause I remember I'd do that back then too. I realized that I don't oppose the stuff you do as much as I did before, it sickens me how I think its ohkay and "normal" ;x

don't kiss up to me hun. See right thru ya!... even if it may take me a few minutes. LOL. But I still love you thoo :) Heh. Miss you to the maxxx & I can't wait for you and jorge to come visit me in san fran. Ahh... (: I miss those days when we'd hang. Eventually... Eventually. BETTER GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! Love you :)

Girl, its your life. Its up to your own best ability to make the best out of it, or the worst out of it.

Have. To. Move. On. HIYYAAAA >;D

One reason why I didn't want to get into a relationship is because I was scared, scared that I wouldn't be strong enough to walk away.... & I proved myself right.
Even though we are just friends, we are still friends who have feelings for each other. Our actions, there is something behind it all. Every time we touch, I feel warm inside....
There were a few times here and there... When I almost kissed you, without realizing. I found myself just going in for a quick peck, haha but then I would play it off. Ooops.

I woke up today mad. You killed my morning, but like I said before. It doesn't effect me as much now, because it keeps happening over and over again. You are ALWAYS in a mood. Always. I swear, at times I want to just blame you for everything.... Hun don't you see I am trying? I try to push all those bad thoughts away, and try to make the best of the moment. I'd give up anything to see you smile, because those are the warmest, the brightest, the smallest thing that can make me go through my day. The small moments, those fun moments. Ohmymy. I wouldn't mind, we don't even have to be lovers by title, because those moments, mean so much more. Those moments.... I really like being friends with you. Really.
But you know what? Seems like all I do is make you depressed, make you sad, make you cry. I don't even know why, why can't it just be... Why can't it just BE? Some say love hurts; others say that that isn't love, that they mistaken love for the tears and the hurt and the depressed times. I'm trying to figure out what love is, but I sure know it is a two way thing. Stop it, just stop it... I need both of us in it to make it work. a RELATIONSHIP is BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE. They have to work together putting the same amount of work, same amount of force, being in sync in order to make this relationship move forward. Its like two wheels, if the left one pushes forward but the right one stops and stays still, it will go no where but in circles. & I believe that's what we are doing....

I remember when you asked me to be your wife.....(:

Philophobia- fear of emotional attachment; fear of being in, or falling in love.

What now?

I guess I am just waiting for the day when you finally say "Stop, thats enough"........

I miss you, so fucking much right now :(

I want to tell you, I want to hug you and hold you and kiss you once more.
But God knows thats forbidden. & what I did today didn't help either. its just making it harder for the both of us to move on.
Dumb wenxi. DUMB WENXI.


He's finally trying to move on, now let him. You moved on since the beginning, why are you back now!?!?!?
ARGHHHHH.

Same Routine. Every day.

To-Do List:
-GET A LIFE.

& once again, im in that shit.

How much times will I need to fuck up before I realize what I do is wrong?
oh wait, I already do know. Its just I DONT CHANGE.
Wenxi, your a dumb bitch.


AHHH.

& I thought I moved on, but then please explain those tears streaming down my face when I walked away....

shit.

I Like Broccoli :) tho.

You just left. Today’s going to be the last day. Its officially over.

I will miss you, but I promise to myself, and you to that I will keep it to a minimal. I will stay strong. Yeah I won’t look back at the hurt, but instead, look back at all the times we spent together that just made everything that much better. Like the first day. When we can just lay there at terrace playground and just… look up at the sky. When you would try to sneak kisses at me. When the first time I got mad at you, that date… The day when we were SUPPOSED to watch Step Up 3… but didn’t and instead we went to all those parks and went to… All those places we did, that I would have never went if you weren’t with me. Ahh… & when we actually DID go see step up 3. & how you were trying to be gentleman. AHh (: & when you came to “do homework” with me after new gen and you let everyone know, wasn’t scared to hide it. & how you told me you were torn…. And we walked away… but you cept calling me that night and how you told me you missed me. How you told me you cried over me and how you loved me at T.I. how we break up to make up. The first time, at the pier. Oh that was probably the most romantic date ever. Ahh… just walking down that long dock being in your arms, walking like penguins. & how we can get so irritated of each other but then still be able to make up at the end of the night. We DO hurt each other, a lot. And its hard, it really is. I have many faults in that, Sorry, I really am…. I feel bad you have to go through it all with me, being with me, someone that have to hurt you so badly…. I have to admit I loved spending the day at your house. Us, making breakfast together and then you feeding me. Hah love them pancakes. Love being in your arms… Cuddling on the couch. How you told me that it felt like you could just live with me. The times when you would come over and babysit with me. Its real cute, really. It felt like I could spend the rest of my life with you sometimes. I can just spend the rest of my life, playing house with you. Ah. I will keep all that as a loving memory. And once again, I am sorry that we have to end this way. At a point where we both tortured each other so much. A relationship is hard, yeah… It is. And it probably should have been the end for us a long time ago, but all the lovely moments just blinded us. Now, I will say bye bye.

I was even scared to mention about being friends. About… Everything. Hah. I didn’t want to talk about whats gonn happen after this. I know this time no matter how much I wished, you wouldn’t come running back to me calling me every night telling me you miss me. All those letters I wrote, I threw them away… No need for them now. Ah. Friends? We can take time, we can be strong. I will be strong, I promise… Haha I will try. I know I’ve said that so many times before and failed….. Lets have faith again.

Ahhh I have to be honest it seemed almost impossible to imagine life without you, but I guess it comes back so soon. Love is like a whirlpool. Once youre stuck in it, you just panic and can’t think right. But once you find the courage to climb out, you see clearly now, and you can pace yourself now…. You may take a while to clean yourself from the mess, but afterwards you can look back and say “dam. That made me grow stronger”. (:

Love you for loving me the way I was. Really. How you could stick with me. That one time when I fell downtown. Wow. You, sticking with me and hugging me away and letting me hide in your arms. Times like that made me realize, yes, you DO love me.

One day I may regret not ever being able to tell you. & that day may be coming very soon.

"I get now that in order for this relationship to work I have to open up my hands and let you fly free" -"Fin can fly?"

& I got reminded once again why we are in this situation in the first place. Every single time....

im not doing ohkay.... x.x