With this last guy, I let him get into my emotions quick, but I never showed him that. I think deep down he knew it, but at the same time I was holding so much back. I thought that if I didn't show him love, I wouldn't be falling in love. I thought if I didn't give up so much, I wouldn't be hurt. I was guarding myself from the pain... But in ways it pushed him away. I didn't show him love, I didn't show him my best sides. If anything, I showed him the worst of sides because I wanted to give both of us an image that what we had was nothing... Because that's what I thought it would be. I didn't think he was taking me seriously, even though he kept telling me he was. Honestly, that question will never be answered because the way he acted showed me he wasn't taking me seriously, at the same time, he DID try, and he DID stick around even through all the arguments... But I didn't give him a reason to. I didn't show him love, I didn't show him what I had to offer, I didn't show him what he could've fell in love with... So why was he staying?
Well, eventually, he made the decision to leave because obviously I didn't show him that it was worth it.
A few reasons stand to why I didn't show him what I could've offered in this relationship. For one, like I said, I was not trying to get hurt. In my mind, if I didn't show him love, then I wasn't in love. Hah, I've learned to realize that's a lie. I might not have been in love with him, but I did fall hard for him. I was denying it in my head and I would not show him how I felt, but I knew I felt it deep down. Denying my feelings did not help at all. Secondly, I was blocked by my pride. I didn't trust him, I started everything with a state of mind that "he could not be serious with this, he could not be serious with me, there's just no way"... Why did I think that? Well, I thought every college guy was like that. I thought to myself... There's the player, and theres the one being played. If I held the upper hand and had control over the situation, I wouldn't get played. If I play him first, then I would be the one leaving first. I wouldn't be hurt. LOL I was stupid. Obviously. I mean, it makes sense, right? But I had a friend tell me this: "Whether you play him, or he plays you, at the end it's a lose-lose situation. On top of that, you might hurt him, ruin the chance with him, and lower yourself to every other player's level. Either way, you look like a fool, whether you get played, or you're the one playing him"... Lol. Ain't that a bitch. Hahaha.
I don't know. I feel like we could've really had something, but I wasn't taking it seriously, and he wasn't either. We both didn't give each other a reason to... Or at least I didn't. He tried proving to me a few times that he was serious... But, to me what he was doing wasn't enough. The fact that I held myself back so much wasn't gaining his interest at all either. I was mean and cold to him every single time I felt myself getting to close :( Bad wenxi, you are no longer in elementary -.-' But sometimes a girl gotta do what she gots to do to guard her heart right?
I'm not saying he was worth it. He was a big asshole anyways. I almost never give him the benefit of the doubt, but whenever I did, he would fuck it up. So. I'm glad he's out of my life now. But it's definitely a lesson learned (:
-Moment of Silence-
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