I'm Scared I've Lost It.

I used to be the little girl who was naive and dreamt that fairytales existed. I didn't know what Love was, but I knew it was something big. & then I experienced it, and I thought life was the most beautiful thing. Nothing else mattered, and the fact that I had such a feeling in my heart made me breathless. It was just unbelievable. I never knew I could feel so much for someone, and that scared me to the bottom of my guts. I enjoyed every moment of it even though I knew I was going to get hurt, but I did not care, because I was experiencing one of the most wonderful things ever to be invented by God.

And then I lost it all. & Honestly, the way it all ended just made me question if it was real at all... Did he love me? Did I really love him? Or did I just get attached to him? Did I just get used to having him there?...

Now, I try to look back, and I don't even feel that bittersweetness anymore. I know love has to exist somewhere, but I am not sure how it feels like anymore. I am not even sure if what I had was really love. I hate how it all ended because now all I remember is how big of a burden it all was. It was suffocating, time-consuming, and heartbreaking.

Others, when they talk about their past loves, they have this sparkle in their eyes. I don't have that anymore. Was it even real? What if my next love shows me what I had before was not love at all?

But...

I don't even know if I want that love anymore. I can't feel it anywhere in my heart. I don't remember a bit of it. That feeling has left me, but does that only mean it wasn't real?

Now, I am doing things that lovers do together, but with someone I don't even those strong feelings for. I have no shame and guilt for it all. Instead, it's a release for me. I am away from the "suffocating", "overbearing", "burdening" type of relationship that I remember once having. However, it makes me question where the old me has gone. What happened to all my strong believes about Love?

I used to talk so strongly about it... About Love. I respected Love, gave my all, and expected just as much in return. I know it'll do me good, and that I would be happy. I know I just had to wait for the right guy, and things would fall into place. But at this point, I don't want Love anymore. I just want to enjoy my life, enjoy myself, and learn by making wrong mistakes with the right people, the right mistakes with the wrong people.