I am really bad with words

Maybe everything does happen just inside my head. I am REALLY bad with speaking... I found out so lately. I don't have any confidence in myself. I say things quietly when I am unsure of myself, and that is a lot of times. yes I may always seem loud and laughing and smiling, but man. There are so many times when I look at myself and think I am worthless, useless, a piece of waste paper... Well at least waste paper can be recycled. Dammit. Wendu baby me too... I feel like I am blocking others out. Blocking them... First I blamed my materialistic self. I told myself that I was just texting too much or using my ipod too much, just so I don't have to blame myself directly. I mean, I am not always like this ;O I see myself as a loud... cheerful, smiley person. Cept that is not the case anymore is it? Its back to the old days. I mean. Well thats just how I blame it anyways. What is it now? Do I think I am too cool for them? NO WAY. I think they are way smart and artistic and creative and definitely amazing.... But the way I act, like how I don't bother to make conversation or even have any effort of fitting in. I just keep myself walking like I don't care. Wow. This is bullshit. I am bullshit.
Today in YAAW we were talking about how 15 is a age where... everything happens. It is a turning point. We splitted into groups and got to decide what we think of when we think of the age 15. which is funny because only me & micheal were actually 15, everyone else was older. 17. OLDIES! (cuties too. LOL) but then see. they were pretty to-point. 15 year olds are HILLARIOUS. we already start thinking about "the one". We want to 'fit in'. We want to 'fit out'. we want to 'change'. To be 'original'. We want to party, to drink to smoke to do drugs. We want to have sex, feel the freedom, be 'badasses'. We think it is the end of the word. That everything is against us. that no one understands. That we are all alone and that everyone hates us.
hahaha talk about facts.
I felt like I didn't fit in or that they are just wasting time on me because today we went to watch the Two Year Old Gentleman. & it was such a nice show cept see I couldn't see deep into it. I mean... ohkay some things I didn't know how to enjoy, how to appreciate. I loved the way they moved, the way how their body just went BAM. && hayeee, there was a pinoy guy shirtless. Owhee the way that he moves....-drool-. ewhie. Lust.